His LAST big big day

I wasn't given a chance to refuse, in honour of him, I was expected to do so. It was his big big day after all.

Tears burned in the back of my eyes, I shook my head as if it can shake my heartbreaking away. No, I couldn't cry. He'd wants me to smile and all to give this speech I thought to myself. He'd wants me to tell his bad jokes to cheer everyone.
I took a deep breath to composed myself,  I stood up, smooth out the imaginary wrinkles on my dress, chin up. Slowly and dedicatedly walked to the front of the hall, parallel the microphone to my mouth. I gazed towards him for a little while. 

The morning sun shone into the hall through the glass wall onto his body. He looks so handsome. It isn't everyday I can see him wear suit and tie even we practically spent years together. His short blond hair makes him look smarter than ever. I directed my sight back to his friends and family and began. 

"It was late winter when I first met him, he told me he was my long lost brother in the pub which he admitted himself that it is a lame way to pick up on a girl after tripping over his own feet, " I chuckle and a few of our close friends also manage a smile. He has his reason to say he was my long lost brother though. We are quite identical to each other, the blond hair, the smile, the pale skin except for the eyes. I have sea blue eyes while his hazel eyes always change color and that's what attracted me in the first place. He always tell me I'm beautiful because we are identical so by default he is beautiful too. Smartass.

Noticing my pause, his mother urged me to continue and so I did, " I thought that was it, you know, the protocol of picking up on girls. We talk, we drink, we dance and the next morning we go on with our own life. But he somehow managed to blend into my life, telling jokes, prank people together, doing all the silly things and of course promising his love for me. And he kept his promise. " A few people nodding to agree the part prank and silly things. I suddenly remembered the silliest thing ever and can't help but say it out loud.

"Remember that time when we challenged him to eat a spoonful of cinnamon and he will get 50 bucks? And he ended up huffed out most of them to his own face, multiple times!" Those people who was there when it happens laughed genuinely and shook their head sadly at the same time. The image of him laughing, his eyes twinkling with laughter appeared in my mind. 

I stopped abruptly while the laughter of the audience subsided slowly. All I can think about is how his hazel eyes had no longer alive to tell at story. I saw the life slipped out of his eyes with my own eyes and he is gone. I can't hear his roaring laughter anymore because there's no soul in his body, because he is dead. I wonder how can one's mood changes so drastically. A broken sob escaped from me and my hand flew to cover my mouth as if that little whimper would startle him from his long sleep. And again, he won't wake up at dawn to prepare some stupid prank, won't wake up from his afternoon nap with this grumpy mood. In fact, he won't wake up at all. 

The sadness was overwhelming but I stayed strong. I couldn't spoil his big event or else I will hear no end from him.
I swallowed the lump in my throat, wiped away the readily tears in my eyes. If I can't give any longer speech, at least I have to end it. And with that, I said "Hiding behind his cheerful mask was a thousand years old man with all his wisdom, helping me through all the bad time. Silly remarks that he'll always be there for me, as a brother, a best friend, a father figure and a lover. Even if he went back to God's embrace far too early than I prefer, I know he will always be there for me, for us."

I spun on my heels walk towards him, grabbed his once warm, soft hand and slipped the ring, our ring, to his now cold, hard fingers. I wasn't sure if I was allowed to touch him but I glad I did all of it before I was pulled away. I kissed his palm, his fingers, his face, his forehead. He's cold but it's him, his face, his hand, his scent.
By the time the ceremony was finished, I felt numb. I don't want to feel anything, I don't wanna move. I want to sit there and remember all about him. I scare if I don't do it now, I'll forget him. 

His little sister forced me to my feet and walked me outside to the crowd that gather around the stupid hole that will soon bury him. She knows I'd want to see him for the one last time if I was sober from the feelings. I watched his friends, his relatives, family, one by one placed rose above his cover. And he hates roses, I thought to myself. I looked around and found his favorite flowers easily, I picked up a handful of wild dandelion and placed on him.

As if it signalled the finality, the workers lower the coffin and I lose it. I cried and cried and cried and start to hum like what I did the day he die. The melody that soothe him every time he has a nightmare. His family cried too, but they also have their own grieve. They hugged me tightly without a word to show their consolation and leave me by myself.

People start to leave too after giving me sympathetic looks and eventually it just me with his headstone. Without the people I can feel him now. I turned the other ring that is around my finger repeatedly, all the while kept on humming the same melody and I saw him stood at the other side of the headstone. Showing the ring on his finger and give me the biggest smile ever. We were going to get marry, I saw the rings, I saw him planning. But he hasn't do it yet. My heart ache so much but I suppress the urge to cry, to risk the tears to blur up my vision. 

He mouthed me a few words like ''Stay strong", "move on", "smile, gorgeous", "live it up for me" and I can almost hear the last three words that he told me a million times, "I love you". Then he asks "will you marry me, honey? ". And he's gone, leave my reply to the wind.